Conflicting Emotions
by kuraokamiko
Summary: Mu Tzu's thoughts on the night he and Khu Lon were called to the Tendo household. Sibling fanfic to 'Stay'. Warnings of mentioned attempt of suicide. Hints of RanmaMu Tzu shounen aiboys love


Title: Conflicting Emotions  
Author: DC [abyssinian_fujimiya@yahoo.com]  
Archived: Dude-chan's Hideout [http://www.dreamwater.net/dudechan/]  
Fandom: Ranma 1/2  
Part: 1/1  
Type: One-Shot POV  
Warnings: Angst, sad, a little sap, and yaoi.  
Summary: This is a sister fic of the story 'Stay', written to be in Mu Tzu's POV.  
Pairing: Ranma/Mousse  
  
Written On: 1/4/01  
C&C is welcomed.  
  
* * *  
Conflicting Emotions  
* * *  
  
All rights and privileges to Ranma 1/2 belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Viz   
Communications, Inc., and associated parties. The characters of this series are used   
without permission for the purpose of entertainment only. This work of fiction is not   
meant for sale or profit.  
  
* * *  
Text:  
"[]"= Speaking in Chinese  
_ _= Exaggerated Words  
* * *  
  
I had never been so scared in my entire life, until I got that phone call. I wasn't even as   
afraid when I got cursed at Jusenkyou... but it _is_ kind of hard to become frightened   
when you walked straight into the pool. So you can guess my surprise when I answered   
the phone and Hibiki was yelling at me in a panicked voice. Ranma? When had Ryoga   
been worried about Ranma? I knew my face paled when the lost boy told me that   
Saotome was laying in the Tendo home, bleeding to death. A hasty explanation to Khu   
Lon, Xian Pu was on a delivery, and we were going at top speed towards the said dojo.  
  
I don't know why I worried about him, it just seemed so unreal. Saotome Ranma, the   
undefeatable heir to the Saotome School. How could he be bleeding to death? Silly   
question, of course, but he is far too skilled to be clumsy with sharp objects, and unless it   
was a great martial artist, I doubt it was a robbery gone wrong.  
  
I frown as I continue to run down the sidewalk, ignoring the people I shove through. I   
always considered Saotome a rival, maybe even a comrade at times. Even if I said I hate   
him, I know I don't really mean it. I know I can be deadly with a weapon if I was serious   
enough and not in annoyance, Ranma knows it too, just as I know he can be just as   
deadly if he wanted to be. It had never gotten so serious before. Yeah, I still feel jealous   
when Xian throws herself at him and he tries to get away. I can see why Saotome has a   
woman problem, blue eyes are too are in Japan and they are quite a lovely shade of   
hauyne[1], and his skill is definitely not something one can ignore. Still, I thought Xian   
would know better than to glomp on someone in hopes he'll like it, when he's trying to   
scramble away like a fish out of water. Some say it's just a crush I have on Xian, and   
maybe they're right, but it doesn't make it any less painful to see your childhood crush   
leaping into the arms of someone you consider a comrade.  
  
I know Xian doesn't really love him either, she's an Amazon, love is never put at face   
value when it comes to making the village stronger. I don't know why I curse his name   
whenever I think about him or see him. Because he's a better fighter? No--I'm sore of   
that fact, but ever since I met him a started my daily attacks on him, I've improved   
greatly. He has a way of showing me the holes in my defense, so that I can learn from it   
and become better. I never knew this until Xian attacked me for accidentally spilling   
broth on her new dress. I still got the pounding of a lifetime, but I got in at least ten good   
hits. Khu Lon noticed it too and has ordered Xian from fighting me as much.  
  
We don't bother to knock on the door, we just burst in. Time passed so fast, I wonder   
how long I was my mind was wondering. We hear Akane yelling from upstairs and   
follow the sound of her voice. I freeze at the changing room door, my mind blank of   
everything except what was before my eyes. The floor was covered in a thin layer of   
blood, too much, almost like it's been gathering for an hour. Ranma is unconscious, head   
propped up by Ryoga, and the lost boy is shaking Ranma roughly, trying to get a   
response. I've never seen my rival look so fragile. His skin was paler, a thin sheet of   
sweat over his body, a relaxed, accepting expression on his face that made me believe he   
injured himself.  
  
I'm finally able to move again, thanks to the granny's smack on my head. I shove Ryoga   
out of the way, he doesn't know how to do this right. I mumble an apology and cradle   
Ranma's upper body in my lap and arms. He's cool, but not deathly cold yet. I touch his   
neck, smiling grimly as I feel a faint pulse. Khu Lon is already using pressure points to   
slow the bleeding to a halt, ordering Akane to get gauze and other items, while Ryoga   
was to help Khu Lon by giving her some bandannas. I began to speak to him, hoping he   
might regain consciousness.  
  
It felt like years, me talking and sitting with Ranma leaning against me, Khu Lon working   
on the self-inflicted injuries with Akane and Ryoga acting as assistants. I continue to talk   
to him in a soft voice, trying to keep the panic and fear out of my tone. I don't really   
remember the topics I brought up, anything as long as he could possibly hear me. Akane   
had finally finished giving directions to the hospital and explained that an ambulance was   
on the way. I feel Ranma shift in my grip and I pause momentarily, watching his   
eyebrows draw together as a weak groan escapes his lips. I began to speak again, now   
some of my mind becoming un-numbed and my emotions entering my tone.  
  
Baka, how dare he try to kill himself?! Doesn't he know how many people would be   
sadden by his death? Selfish bastard, probably only did it to let everyone know he can   
only take so much before he breaks, and this little antic is to get everyone to back away.   
I take this time to glance at the wounds for the first time, and a nagging fear is finally   
satisfied. I was wrong, he was serious. He wanted to kill himself, the fact that he slit his   
wrists right is conviction enough. No scars on the lifelines or the exposed arms are   
visible, so he never did try to reach out to anyone for help. A shiny item caught my eye   
and I see the object he used to try and kill himself with, lying beside his leg.  
  
I feel as though the ground of my world has disappeared from below me. My dagger.   
My dagger that I had lost months before. He tried to kill himself with a weapon that   
belonged to me.  
  
"[Mu Tzu, are you all right?]"  
  
I don't bother to answer her, my voice not working. No, I'm very not all right. I feel like   
the worst person in the whole world. Was I part of the cause that he attempted suicide?   
Was it because of my daily attacks, did it effect him that deeply? I turn back to him,   
noticing his eyes were barely slit open, watching me. They are partially fogged, and I   
know he's probably dazed from the blood loss. I give in to the overwhelming feeling of   
regret, guilt, and sadness, and speak again. Questions that plagued my mind slipped out   
and I couldn't stop them. I wanted to know why, most of all. I want to know everything,   
even though I know at that moment he wouldn't reply. The ambulance had finally arrived   
and I move out of the way so they can save his life.  
  
* * *  
  
I haven't seen him since that night. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of opportunities.   
Kasumi has agreed to let me come visit him whenever I want, she's in a way the boss lady   
of the suicide watch committee. I just don't think I can face him right now, so soon after   
it happened. It's been almost a week now, everyone's seen him at least once, even Kuno.   
Of course, that was jut to rant about Ranma's fail attempt to escape the wrath of the blue   
thunder. Ryoga kicked Kuno to Tibet for me. He said it has nice weather this time of   
year.  
  
Ranma stopped by once, yesterday, saying he was just out for a walk. He looked better at   
least, I was watching him from the corner of my eye. My glasses were catching the   
sunlight, so he couldn't tell I was watching him. His skin had gotten back it's color, and   
he looked just like the old Ranma, except for the haunted look in his eyes and the   
bandages around his wrists. He looked at me for a little while, and I almost thought I saw   
my own feelings mirrored on his own expression. Was he conscious enough to hear me   
and understand what I was saying?  
  
If so, I know I still can't face him right now. I still have a lot to answer for myself before   
I can push aside my guilt and confront him. For one thing, why my dagger? There are   
other ways to do one's self in, so why such a way, and with a weapon of mine? This   
incident will alter everyone's so-called 'normal' everyday lives. I actually realized the fact   
that one day, Ranma will be seriously hurt, and then what? I never had much problems   
with our rivalry before this happened: I fight him, he fight me, Xian glomps him and I get   
in good hits while he's trying to escape the Amazon Glomp of Death. Yes, that is an   
attack[2]. Simple enough, I thought, but I guess I was wrong. All the stress might have   
just finally won out. But then that doesn't make sense either. Ranma isn't one to give up   
to anyone, especially not himself, and killing yourself is a pretty stupid way to end a little   
stress problem.  
  
I wish I could go flying right now, but it'd be a pain to get changed back. Khu Lon would   
just keep me as a duck and lock me up for leaving the Nekohatten during the dinner rush.   
It's too bad, really, because flying is my only haven now, the only thing I can do to relax   
myself. So I sit here instead, on the roof of the Nekohatten, watching the stars blink into   
existence. Of all the questions that made themselves known in this confusion after the   
incident, I know one sure thing that won't change anytime soon. I'll be damned if I lose   
Ranma like I almost did that night.  
  
OWARI  
  
* * *  
  
Footnotes:   
  
[1]= Yeah, I know, I'm describing eyes too much to resemble gems, but really! Eyes are   
beautiful, and if you think about it, eyes can take up gem shades, especially in anime.   
This particular gem is a lovely blue color that's light and clear, that resembles Ranma's   
eyes, to me at least.  
  
[2]= Well, it's Xian Pu's attack then. ^^;  
  
Author's notes: I hope you liked the sister/brother story to 'Stay'! I might have a follow up   
soon, but it's four am and I already know Frankie's gonna kick my toosh for staying up   
late again. *runs off to find a safe hiding place* JA!! 


End file.
